Get Off My Back

(But Please Be There When I Need You!)

(But Please Be There When I Need You!)

by

Moms of overweight teens often feel like they just can't win--one day your kid wants your help and the next day the message is, "Back off!" I know how it feels. My oldest son was very overweight as a teenager (and I'm a weight expert!), but when Wes was 17 he began his journey to losing more than 75 pounds, which he’s kept off for more than 7 years. His experiences inspired me to write a book about more than 100 formerly overweight teens that lost weight in healthy ways. I also interviewed many of their parents to find out what worked and what didn’t when they were trying to help their kids along the way. Some of the most important messages from teens and parents were this:

1) Send a message of unconditional love, regardless of your teen’s weight. Never give the message that weight or appearance determines your child's value. Don’t allow weight to become the focus of your relationship.

2) Let teens do it for themselves. Yep, sometimes we do just have to back off. Not in a bad way though. This just means that the incentive for reaching a healthier weight has to come from your teen, not you. It can be difficult as a parent to sit back and wait for that golden moment to strike, but when teens find the desire to lose weight for themselves, they’re more likely to succeed.

3) Back off and let them take the lead. Ultimately, when they do make the decision to take charge of their weight, it’s up to them to decide when and how to do it. You can provide some gentle guidance and offer to help explore options for healthy weight management, knowing that teens generally do better with choices. You might ask your daughter if she wants your help but don’t pounce and offer all of your ideas at once.

4) Be a role model. Over and over, parents stressed that they had to walk the walk along with their children if they wanted their teens to eat healthy foods, cut back on fatty and sugary foods, and get up and move more. And when one kid in the family is overweight, they stressed the importance o

f healthful eating for the entire family and not singling out the overweight teen.

5) Don’t be a food or exercise cop. Nagging, preaching, complaining, and even making subtle comments (like, “Honey, why don’t you order this?”) have a way of backfiring and making teens want to do just the opposite. So resist the urge to criticize and instead praise any small changes. For instance, if your daughter takes the dog for a walk and then sits down with a bowl of buttered popcorn, praise the walk and skip any digs about the popcorn.

6) Help your teen be patient and realistic. Losing weight takes time, effort, patience, and often multiple attempts. And not everyone is meant to be “thin,” particularly if a teen is quite overweight, has been overweight for a long time, or if other family members are overweight. Moms can help their daughters accept the fact that, after losing weight, they may not be “thin” but they can be healthier and happier. Indeed, many of the teens I interviewed seem to have accepted that it’s okay not to look like most celebrities and models. Their self-worth is not determined by what the scale says. Sandra D. told me, “Many different things make a person worthwhile. If you don’t have an ideal-size body, it doesn’t mean you’re not an ideal person.”

The bottom line is that most teens do want and need parents’ support with their weight management efforts. But it has to be on their terms and when they ask for it.

A clear majority  of teens I interviewed said that their families helped them--they said their parents praised and encouraged them, provided material support (for instance paying for programs), planned healthier meals, and joined them in their weight management efforts. And the parents stressed the importance of listening to and communicating with their teens, as well as complimenting them on making more healthful choices and on their appearance. As one mom said, “It’s important to be proud of them for trying, even if results are slow to none.”

Anne Fletcher, MS, RD, is the author of Weight Loss Confidential: How Teens Lose Weight and Keep It Off – And What They Wish Parents Knew and Weight Loss Confidential Journal: Week-by-Week Success Strategies for Teens From Teens (Houghton Mifflin)

  Published November 19, 2009