Ryan Goei is a 36-year-old dad in Duluth, MN. When his now eight-year-old Helena was four, she started complaining about her belly fat compared to her older sister. How’d he handle it? Read on!

When your daughter complained her belly was fat, did she actually have a weight problem?

I don’t think so. I’m no expert and don’t know her BMI or anything, but she didn’t seem overweight to me. On the other hand, her sister was always very skinny so in comparison Helena was fuller, but not fat, just thicker than Grace.

What was your first reaction when she asked you about her stomach sticking out at such a young age?

I was mortified, and very saddened that she might be thinking about body image at age four. That just seemed unfathomable to me. I expected it much later. I kept thinking, what have we done to make her think about such things so young. After she said it, many flags starting flying for me. I became acutely aware of how much all of us talk and make jokes about weight. Even people we love dearly are constantly talking about how fat they are and how they are not going to wear a bathing suit this summer, or how they need to start exercising, or shouldn’t eat that cookie, etc.

Did your other child do the same thing?

Grace never did but she only lived to be seven years old. We have a two-and-a-half year old, Eve. She never has… yet. And we have a six-month-old, Liam. He hasn’t said ANYTHING yet!

What did you tell your daughter — and what did your WIFE tell her?

We told her that everybody has his or her own body and that it isn’t worth comparing. We tried to refocus her on health instead of weight, saying things like, “If you eat healthfully and stay active, then your body will take on its own healthy shape and everyone has a different healthy shape.” Later we started to talk about how the media (TV, movies, Barbies, etc.) only show one body type and talk about how that sometimes makes people feel that they are not good enough. Now that she is almost nine, we also talk about the motives of people in the media (i.e., that they want to try and make you feel badly about yourself to get you to buy more of their product that ‘will’ make you feel better!).

Do you think it makes a different how a father responds to his daughter versus her mother?

I’m not sure how the mother and father influences differ, but I take my role as father in her life very seriously. I try always to focus my own attention away from body and body image comments so that my daughter not only knows I don’t think about her in that way, but that I don’t think about anyone in that way, male or female. It’s actually much harder than I had hoped it would be!!

How are fathers in a unique position to help their daughters overcome weight/body image concerns? How did you overcome it?

Well, every father is probably in a slightly different position, but Helena and I are very close and we talk about a lot of things. Last summer I encouraged her to run a triathlon with me. She and I trained together and she ran her first one last August. She wants to do another this summer. I like to focus on keeping her body active and making it stronger and healthier, not better looking or changing its shape. I also hope that she sees me, as a man, not treating women as body objects so that she learns to love the nature of a man who sees more than just bodies. I pray that helps her. I also feel very confident telling others when they are making these comments (in most cases family) that we try not to think about and discuss body image issues because we don’t feel it is healthy for our girls. They might not appreciate it, but as Helena’s father I feel it is my job to stand up and help create an environment that allows her to transcend her body a bit, no matter how it fits or breaks the normative expectations.

What’s the one thing you wish other dads of daughters knew?

Geez. I’m no expert here. I hate to offer recommendations because I’m just learning as I go. My instinct tells me that the best way to help my children with body image issues (and any other life issue for that matter) is to learn how to connect with them. At all costs, break down your expectations, your scheduling needs, your habits, your tech needs — whatever they might be — and learn to cut yourself bare into your child’s world. You don’t even really have to speak about weight or body image. I think just learning to connect meaningfully with your child is the key to pushing them along toward a healthier life trajectory all around. I wish that were easy, but at least for me, this takes physical and mental daily labor. I have to work to connect. I think dads should know that connection won’t just happen to you because you’re an overall good guy and people like you. You have to make it happen by thinking actively about how to connect day-to-day with your daughter and then learning to translate those thoughts into behavior that works and is maintainable. I was working in that direction relatively well, then four years ago, June 9, our eldest, Grace was killed in a car accident. Since then it’s been harder, more work, but I keep trying. Life (or death in this case) can’t get in the way of your connecting with your living children.

Is there something you wish you knew before you became a dad?

I wish I knew how hard it was going to be. Just to be prepared for how much effort and thought it takes to do this right. It’s not like you have to plan a million things to be a good dad. But I do have to plan my life (or construct my life) so that I have the best chance of ‘reaching’ my children, or connecting with them in their young worlds. I always thought it would come naturally, but something is always there waiting to get in the way. It’s much harder than I expected.