Q: My 15yo daughter is very overweight and we have her on a diet this year after meeting with a nutritionist. I’m overweight too so I’m going along on the diet with her. But my husband, who’s also overweight, only pretends to go along with us. He eats what we eat at meal-times, but then he cheats by stashing nuts, chocolate bars, and junk food in his car, probably munching down on his way home from work so he’s not too hungry at dinner and doesn’t mind the smaller portions. I’ve mentioned it to him but largely ignored it because I’m focusing so much on keeping my daughter and myself on track. But this weekend my daughter discovered a big “Dad Stash” in the garage — beef jerky, Doritos, chocolate bars, etc. I almost laughed but she looked really disappointed and shocked. I wasn’t sure what to say so I said something like “We can talk about this later.”

Dr. Kathie Jacobsen: It is wonderful that you are partnering with your daughter.  Self control is much easier when you have someone to talk about it with, and to share both the agonies and the joys of making healthy changes.

It must be disappointing and frustrating to see your husband cheating and sabotaging himself.

Your daughter needs to be told the truth, and I suggest that you talk with your husband, let him know that your daughter discovered his stash and give him the choice of talking about it with her with you or just having you discuss it with her.  Urge him to join you.

Your daughter needs to be told that her Dad has only pretended to go along with the two of you.  But at least he has not eaten junk in front of you, so that is a good change.  Let her know that you are committed to your mutual goal of eating better and having healthy snacks.  Hopefully, your husband will join this conversation and tell her he is proud of her and knows she and you are doing the right thing.

Privately tell your husband that you sincerely wish he would partner with you and your daughter to be healthier, but if he won’t then, please, could he avoid derailing you and your daughter by keeping his junk food off the premises, including the garage, because you don’t want you and your daughter to be led off track by his stashes of junk.

Accept that he is not ready to make changes, and hope that as you and your daughter become healthier and healthier, he may see the light!

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